blah blah blah :: by jen

Books read in 2011

2012-01-01T12:25:00.001-07:00

Last year I wrote about 3 new year's goals. They were to read more books, run a half marathon, and learn more french. Unfortunately, all three of those things take up a significant amount of free time, and so only two of them were accomplished. Half marathon? Check! French? Umm... not so much. But books! Nailed it.

In 2011, I read 52 books, for an average of 1 a week. Go me! And the winners were:

1. Bella Tuscany (Frances Mayes) finished 1.2.11
2. Nocturnes (Kazuo Ishigure) finished 1.4.11
3. Bangkock 8 (John Burdette) finished 1.12.11
4. A Death in Vienna (Frank Tallis) finished 1.17.11
5. Maus (Art Spiegelman) finished 1.18.11
6. Dimanche (Irene Nemirovsky) finished 2.1.11
7. Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season 8 (All 8 of the graphic novels included here) Year Long
8. As Always, Julia (The letters of Julia Child & Avis DeVoto) (Ed. Joan Reardon) finished 2.26.11
9. Julia Child, A Life (Laura Shapiro) finished 3.13.11
10. Rescue (Anita Shreve) finished 3.15.11
11. House of Leaves (Mark Z. Danielewski) finished 4.10.11
12. Stern Men (Elizabeth Gilbert) finished 4.18.11
13. Garlic & Sapphires (Ruth Reichl) finished 4.27.11
14. Mathilda Savitch (Victor Lodato) finished 4.30.11
15. Glovers Mistake (Nick Laird) finished 5.1.11
16. Doghead (Morten Ramsland) finished 5.13.11
17. Packing for Mars (Mary Roach) finished 5.26.11
18. Peril at End House (Agatha Christie) finished 5.30.11
19. The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake (Aimee Bender) finished 6.9.11
20. Twenties Girl (Sophie Kinsella) finished 6.14.11
21. Spook (Mary Roach) finished 6.23.11
22. Death in the Clouds (Agatha Christie) finished 6.26.11
23. The Paris Wife (Paula McClain) finished 7.6.11
24. Blood, Bones & Butter (Gabriella Hamilton) finished 7.11.11
25. Turn of Mind (Alice LaPlante) finished 7.16.11
26. Before I go to Sleep (SJ Watson) finished 7.21.11
27. The Unnamed (Joshua Ferris) finished 7.21.11
28. The Edible Woman (Margaret Atwood) finished 7.25.11
29. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver) finished 8.3.11
30. The Shining (Stephen King) finished 8.24.11
31. In the Garden of Beasts (Eric Larsen) finished 9.11.11
32. Blankets (Craig Thompson) finished 9.11.11
33. Bossypants (Tina Fey) finished 9.14.11
34. The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (Douglas Adams) finished 9.17.11
35. The Robber Bride (Margaret Atwood) finished 9.28.11
36. Goodbye Chunky Rice (Craig Thompson) finished 9.29.11
37. The Family Fang (Kevin Wilson) finished 10.3.1
38. Oryx & Crake (Margaret Atwood) finished 10.26.11
39. The Marriage Plot (Jeffrey Eugenides) finished 11.5.11
40. The Penelopiad (Margaret Atwood) finished 11.6.11
41. Les Liasions Dangereuses (Pierre Choderlos de Laclos) finished 11.20.11
42. Miss Perigrine's Home for Peculiar Children (Ransom Riggs) finished 11.25.11
43. A Drink Before the War (Dennis Lehane) finished 12.2.11
44. One Day (David Nicholls) finished 12.5.11
45. Darkness Take my Hand (Dennis Lehane) finished 12.8.11
46. The Hunger Games (Suzanne Collins) finished 12.10.11
47. Catching Fire (Suzanne Collins) finished 12.12.11
48. MockingJay (Suzanne Collins) finished 12.16.11
49. Zombie Spaceship Wasteland (Patton Oswalt) finished 12.17.11
50. Jesus' Son (Dennis Johnson) finished 12.18.11
51. Sacred (Dennis Lehane) finished 12.24.11
52. Gone Baby Gone (Dennis Lehane) finished 12.29.11

Least Favorite Book of 2011: I enjoyed nearly every book I read. There were two, however, that let me down a bit. The first was A Death in Vienna - This was one I actually managed to write a review about, which can be found here. The second one that sort of disappointed me was Margaret Atwood's The Robber Bride. I've loved every Margaret Atwood book I've read, but this one was a real snooze fest, in my opinion. I should have carried on with Alias Grace which unfortunately fell by the wayside sometime in Spring.

Favorite Book of 2011: How to narrow this one down? I know I read some pretty lame stuff (there is one chic lit book in that list, and several easy-peasy Agatha Christie books) but I had some winners in there as well. Maus is a heartbreaking graphic novel that I just loved, but in that uncomfortable way of loving not the content, but the honesty and love found in the story... As Always, Julia was wonderful to me. I became a bit obsessed with Julia Child this year, and this book was incredible. It was a compilation of letters between her and a friend that opened up a little portal to how she thought. I think she was an amazing woman, and this book confirmed that for me. I also really enjoyed the Hunger Games Trilogy - quick reads, but really fascinating books to me. Oryx & Crake, and The Family Fang might rank up there, too. Man, so hard to choose.

Weirdest Book of 2011: Hands down, House of Leaves. If you have never heard of this book, do a Google images search on it, and you'll see why it was so nutty, and why it took me so long to read.

Total Pages Read in 2011 (Not counting the 8 Buffy graphic novels): 16,764

Overall, a very good reading year. Not much to be disappointed in, and several authors who have me wanting to read more of their stuff. Happy reading in 2012, friends.

Like a ton of bricks

2011-10-19T18:38:00.000-06:00

Grief. Sneaks up on me at the weirdest times, in the middle of an ordinary, decent day.

I don't know how to explain this particular brand of grief, because I don't really know anyone else who has experienced it in the same way. I almost feel ridiculous, especially in the wake of one of my best friends losing their child - a grief so huge and a loss I cannot possibly comprehend, that it makes me just want to hit myself in the face and say "get over it". Which is what other people have told me to do, actually.

The grief I'm talking about concerns my dad. My dad who died when I was one year old. My dad who I can't remember. My dad who I know only through stories and photos and a rare video clip here and there. How can you miss someone you never knew? How can you, some 28 years later, still grieve a loss I don't remember experiencing?

It's in the small things. The small things like that this year his birthday would be 11.11.11 - and all I can think about is wishing I could go take him 11 gifts at 11:11, and maybe send 11 birthday cards... And I'm doing okay. Until my mom sends me this email - this email about what a crap week it has been, and her good friend's brain tumor is back and this friend has only a few months to live, and just how unfair life is sometimes. And then BAM at the end of this email - she too has been thinking about this date coming up, and how my dad used to talk about it, and was looking forward to it. And there it is. I just break down. Start crying my eyes out, and the pets are looking at me like I'm crazy.

It's just - I've been thinking about this for a while, how exciting this day would be. And knowing that somewhere out there, sometime before I even existed maybe, that he, too, was excited about this? It just kills me. It kills me that he was so young when he died. It kills me that I don't know him. It kills me that we never got to have a conversation, that we never got to discover things we had in common. I just, I miss him, and I don't know how to explain that. I miss a life I never had.

Happy almost birthday, dad.

Timing

2011-10-06T14:01:00.000-06:00

Some training stats:

Total miles: 187
Total time spent running: 29 hrs, 43 minutes, 25 seconds
Average Pace: 9:38 per mile
Total Calories: 20,546

Fastest mile: 8:24
Fastest 5k: 28:10
Fastest 10k: 59:05

Listened to: Entire Harry Potter book 7, and most of book 4.

Race time: 9:00 Sunday
Anxiety level: High
Looking forward to: Some time away from running

Oh, right.

2011-10-02T10:50:00.000-06:00

When I started training for the half marathon a couple months ago, I was all "WHY DID I EVER STOP RUNNING? THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER"... But now, with all my long runs done, with my legs sore, with my gag reflex responding with just the thought of another energy gel or gummy block, and with just a week before the actual big day, I remember EXACTLY why I quit running.

Then again... The feeling of finishing a run or race is pretty damn great. Here's to next week at 11:15ish when I will be feeling that satisfying rush.

Training Time

2011-07-28T15:33:00.000-06:00

It's "Get off your ass and do something, Jen" time again! Almost 2 weeks of training under my belt, and I'm feeling pretty good. Why did I abandon running? I find myself enjoying it more this time - I've been running in the mornings though, which I think is a much better solution for me. I don't spend all day worrying about the run, and it's so much cooler, it just makes for happier runs.

Two years ago, I think I came in just under 2:15 for the race. Not bad, but I'd like to shave some time off that. I think I've started out my training this year at 30-45 seconds better pace than I started training last time, so I'm hoping I can keep shaving time off the runs and maybe just MAYBE finish sub-2 hours. I'd have to average around 8:45 - 9 minute miles to do so, but I'm hoping I can get there.

The good thing about running again is that I've been in the mood to read the harry potter books again, and the audiobooks make great running companions!

See ya in October, 13.1 miles.

Baby Stuff

2011-06-28T15:46:00.001-06:00

Aaron sent me this article and I love it:

http://jenkirkman.tumblr.com/post/585550603/i-pretended-to-be-pregnant

This one's to you, nosy strangers, and especially you, family member who told me I would probably die of ovarian cancer due to my choice to not have kids.

Books & Life

2011-05-04T17:53:00.000-06:00

The problem with setting a goal over the holidays, is that I am on vacation, and it feels like I will have all the time in the world for the rest of the year to accomplish whatever it is I set out to do.

And then I remember what real life is like. You know, work, obligations, other hobbies, nice weather, and... I get a little behind.

So, I've been reading - not quite a book a week, but close. I might be on goal except that I set out to read a crazy CRAZY book called "House of Leaves" sometime in March. Seriously, this book was nuts. Just google the name and check out the images if you don't believe me. That set me back a bit. Although, currently, I'm on book 16, so I'm maybe only a couple books behind.

Anyway. Life. Life is busy this year. I am busier at work than ever, which, is awesome, but also a major adjustment in the way I've been doing things the last few years. The busier I get, the more structure I have to have to the workday - and that is sometimes difficult to achieve. But, I can't complain too much. I have recently starting working with a client doing some work I never thought I could break in to around here, and I think it may lead to even more excellent work in the future. Not only is the work more fun, but this client? Pays on time. I have, essentially, been working without pay since December or January. I bill the client, add on late fees, remind them all the time and... nothing. Seriously. It is draining to put in so many hours for this client and not get paid for it. Enough of that rant. This new client - pays on time - AHEAD of time, and has, once, actually paid me more, on purpose, than I invoiced for. Miracle of miracles. Let's keep this one going.

In other life news, my great grandma died almost a week ago. She was 103 years old. Up until a month ago, we thought she would just keep on truckin - 104? 105? 106? Who knows - she literally had nothing wrong with her other than failing eyesight and hearing. She took one medication - to INCREASE her appetite (how is it possible we are genetically related?). It was a surprise to me when, about a month ago, my mom called me and told me she probably wouldn't make it through the night, and would I drive to portland with her so she didn't have to drive alone. We left around 8 at night, drove through terrible weather, and arrived in Portland around 2 or 3 am. We spent the night in her room, along with an aunt of mine, and the next morning, I felt like I was saying goodbye. Her voice was weak, and she continually asked us if we would remember her.

But she continually improved throughout the day - she was given steroids which made her incredibly loopy and silly. She was told not to talk, but did nothing but. I laughed so hard those couple of days. The morning I left, she recognized me, held my hand, and told me how much she loved me. I returned the favor. Saying goodbye was bittersweet. She was scheduled to be discharged the next day, and could very likely live another year or two, but there was some knowledge that this goodbye was different - more permanent - and if there was to be another, I would be very lucky indeed.

And last week, she began failing. A fever knocked her down, a minor stroke made her unresponsive, and her body did the rest. She was surrounded by all the family who could be there, and died, as she had wanted, in peace, and not alone. Her death is honestly the first death I have experienced in my life that was not accidental. It is a different grief. A relief on one hand that it could be relatively peaceful for her - and that she didn't have to suffer through anything. But a somber sadness on the other - of a piece of my life missing. She had 3 daughters, 13 grandchildren, 22 great grandchildren, and 7 great-great grandchildren. Wow.

So anyway. I will appreciate the things I have this year. Steady work (if not income...) the occasional chance to read a book, a full calendar of fun, and family - I would be so lucky to have that many people love and miss me. Though, with my current unwillingness to bring forth children into this world, I would be bringing that upon myself, huh? Yeah.

Mini Review: Book Eight

2011-02-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

As always, Julia
The letters of Julia Child and Avis DeVoto
Edited by: Joan Reardon
Finished: 2.26.11

I picked this book up from a display at the library knowing nothing about it other than "Oh Julia Child, I like her" and "Oh, those are nice colors they use on the cover". I also thought this Avis DeVoto was a man, until I cracked the cover.

And oh... This book... It was wonderful. I have a new appreciation for Julia Child. I had no idea what a wonderful person she was. This book is no biography, but it tells her story almost as well or better than a biography could. Through a series of letters between her and Avis, her character, charm, talent, humor and more are revealed, and to me, she is a remarkable person.

Her friendship with Avis begins by chance when Julia sends a letter in response to an article Avis' husband wrote concerning knives. Avis answers the letter, and with that, you could almost say, American cooking was changed for ever. The book chronicles Julia's effort to get her book published - you know, the Art of French Cooking? The book that began Julia's career? The book that got Americans to stop cooking out of a can? That book. And Avis has SO much to do with its success. She is the one who gets the first publisher interested, secures an advance, and essentially edits the book for Julia.

I found it really interesting how difficult it must have been to cook really great food in America in their time. Julia would send Avis recipes for the book (Julia was in Paris through most of the book) and Avis would reply saying "What are shallots? We don't have fresh xx here, only frozen. You must specify butter or Americans will try and put margarine in." And so on and so forth.

Besides the cooking, the two talk politics (both democrats with infuriatingly overwhelming amounts of republican family... ha! can so relate), language, love, and seemingly unimportant everyday events. They come to be such great friends, and it is enjoyable to read as it develops. They are tremendously smart women who attempted real change through cooking, political involvement, and just generally being lovely people.

Overall: 9.5/10 loved it.

Mini Review: Book Seven

2011-02-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

Book 7 is actually series 1-5 of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 8 graphic novels
Yes. I am a nerd.
Finished - Throughout February

So, I'm counting 5 of these babies as one book. I still have 3 to read from the series, but the library may not have them, so it will be a while before I get to them.

Basically, I love Buffy. Some friends tried to get Aaron and I to watch this series a few years ago, and we reluctantly agreed. It took me a few episodes to get into it, and in fact, after the first season, wasn't sure what I thought. But, I'm a sucker for television, and I got sucked in. Throughout the 7 seasons, there were some ups and downs, but even in my least favorite season (can we say RILEY anybody?) there were some standout episodes. The whole show was really well written, humorous, silly, but also serious at times.

Somewhat recently, I found out there was a whole continuation of the series in a set of graphic novels, which is considered Season 8. Basically, everything there is to love about Buffy on-screen is translated into the books and given a much more ambitious story line. The writers manage to capture the characters, their lingo and mannerisms quite well, and they've been pretty fun to read so far.

I suppose I don't have much to say on these, other than, if you liked the series, you'll like these books.

And with that, nerd signing off.

Overall: Good.

Mini Review: Book Six

2011-02-28T21:56:00.001-07:00

Dimanche
by: Irene Nemirovsky
finished 2.1.11

It's been nearly a month since I finished this book, so my memory is a bit hazy on it. But I do remember this book as being quite wonderful. This is a collection of short stories set either just before or during the German invasion of France in WWII. Nemirovsky manages to make WWII fade into the backdrop while telling a snippet of a story of everyday people. Some stories are trivial, revolving around family squabbles, or fights between lovers, while others follow those fleeing from their towns and homes being invaded.

Reading this immediately following the graphic novel Maus gave me an even greater appreciation for Nemirovsky's work. Just a few years after this, she was killed in a concentration camp. I can only imagine what she endured in the years leading up to that. The fact that she managed to write these beautiful pieces amidst that really moves me in a way. In a way, I suppose it reminds me that the people living through that time had to make their everyday lives normal, even when they were far from it. And her stories tell of people doing just that. Lovely collection of stories.

Overall: 8/10

Missing People

2011-02-17T00:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not very good at dealing with death. It's been nine years since Nathan died and nearly 27 since my dad died, and I'm still not okay with either one.

I can't really explain why, but it wasn't until Nathan died that the full impact of growing up without my dad hit me. Up until that point, I didn't really understand how suddenly someone is just gone. And it made me angry, and it devastated me, and I still am supremely pissed that I didn't know my father. And jealous that so many others did know him.

Losing Nathan was so so painful - but talking about him, and remembering him, and dreaming about him, and looking at photos of him, and remembering his voice, and the songs he taught me on the guitar, and the feel of a Nathan hug, these are things I still have of him. And those things, those things I love to remember, those things are the same things that make me so angry about not knowing my dad.

I don't remember what his hug felt like. He never got to teach me how to play sports, or how to read. I don't remember the sound of his voice. I don't remember him. And it is just, so fucking hard.

I don't know how you get over losing people you love. I don't know how to stop being afraid of death now. I don't know how to be okay.

On French Things

2011-02-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

I often tell myself that if I'm good in this lifetime, I will be rewarded by being born in France next time.

The food!
The language!
The culture!
(And if I were born there, I would probably appreciate... The Fashion!)

I have lately been even more obsessed with French things. I am currently listening to the songs of Edith Piaf, studying French, reading simple French readers, and have just started a book with the letters of Julia Child to her friend who helped her get "art of french cooking" published.

I don't know why or when my little obsession started, but it has been with me for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, my aunt gave me a berlitz tape pack with a French dictionary, and it's been going from then. Actually getting to visit France was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Even in the middle of winter, I still found Paris beautiful. That trip was the only one I took solo while studying abroad, and I am so glad. It was a chance for me to do whatever I wanted, to explore what I wanted to, to stare at a piece of art for as long as I wished. I was a terrible American stereotype while there (tennis shoes! jeans! if only I had known better then!) but I still found everyone I spoke to was generally kind and wonderful. I was giddy when simply asking for une baguette or duex croissants s'il vous plait (never just one!), and it was the trip which made me truly want to learn French.

Unfortunately, upon returning stateside, I learned that to even minor in french, they required a year abroad in France, and having just returned from Europe, there was no way I was going to pull that one off. Out of all the things I regret about my college years, that would be tops - not learning a language while I had easy access to it.

Someday... In some life... I may be lucky enough to be born une vraie femme francaise...

Until then, it's just Edith Piaf, French classes, French films, and croque monsieurs for me.

Mini Review: Book Five

2011-01-20T16:49:00.001-07:00

Maus: A Survivors Tale
by: Art Spiegelman
finished: 1.18.11

This was my very first graphic novel, recommended to me by Aaron. I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy reading it, but almost immediately, I was captivated.

This is the story of a Holocaust survivor, as told by his son. What I loved about the format was that it could be told almost completely in dialogue. Knowing that the dialogue is probably almost a direct transcription of what Art's father revealed to him throughout their many conversations makes it quite powerful. It's the closest to a complete first hand account of the Holocaust that I've ever heard (or you know, read).

I was just so shocked at all that this one man and his family went through. How he survived, I can't even imagine. It was amazing to me how much he had to do just to get an extra piece of bread, or how his ingenuity and desire to save everything may have saved his life on many occasions, just simply by thinking differently than the others. I was brought to tears a couple of times - hardly believing that this is just one man's story. That so many others were not so lucky. That people died horrible deaths through mass murder, starvation, disease, or a thousand other ways.

The other thing I loved about this book was the honesty behind Art's relationship with his father. The two have lived very different lives, and therefore do not always understand each other, and do not always put up with each other well. I think it would have done the story a disservice if that relationship hadn't been included, if only because I think it makes the story of a son wanting to tell his father's story all the more powerful.

Anyway - even if you don't read graphic novels, I would highly recommend picking this one up. It's an important book, in my opinion.

Overall: 10/10 (what!)

Mini Review: Book Four

2011-01-20T16:29:00.001-07:00

A Death in Vienna
by: Frank Tallis
finished: 1.17.11

This is another detective series I had wanted to give a read to for a while. Again, I knew very little about what the stories were like, save that they were set in Vienna around the time of Freud.

Having just finished a detective book that I very much liked, this one really let me down. I'm not sure if I'll continue reading the series or not, although I have heard the second book was better than the first, so I might just have to get it over with.

Something that really irritates me in books are big "surprises" that only the very perceptive main characters pick up on. Unless it is done well (such as in Sherlock Holmes?) it's usually pretty easy to figure out what's going on WAY before the author makes the big reveal. I wonder if the author thinks he's being clever, or if he thinks his readers are stupid, because either way, I think he's wrong.

Several times in this book, somebody would make a "freudian slip" because, you know, it's the time of Freud, so he must be written into the book. But it was such stupid stuff. Things like an angry husband saying "I couldn't possibly still hate her. I mean, love her" And then this very perceptive detective says "AHA! He still loves her, because he first said I could not still hate her!". It was literally written almost exactly like that.

I'm admittedly a big fan of historical books, but they either work or they don't, and I feel like this one just... didn't. There was no focus, and instead was just littered with references to the people and music of the time without incorporating them in any meaningful way.

Basically, a disappointment.

Overall: 5/10

Mini Review: Book Three

2011-01-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

Bangkok 8
by: John Burdett
finished: 1.12ish.11

I've always been interested in reading this Bangkok series, and finally was able to pick up the first in the series from the library. The book is essentially a detective/revenge story about a Thai police officer. His best friend, also a cop, is killed while investigating a murder, and he spends the rest of the book solving the mystery of the murder in order to avenge his dead friend.

What I found really interesting about the book was the way it told more than just the story - more than a "plot". It really shed light on the way Thai people, police, prostitutes and Westerners behave and interact. I'm not sure how accurate the book is in that respect, but with the amount of detail, I'd guess the author did his research. I'm always fascinated with other cultures, and equally as interested in how the very differences between them and the "Western world" might be the difference between survival and death. Things just don't work the same way in other countries, and I've always been bothered by America's habit of trying to impose Western values and ideals into cultures that really have no use for them. I thought the author did a wonderful job of telling not just a detective story, but a cultural story, as well.

Overall: 8.5/10

ps. it's a good thing i'm not a teacher, because i have a hard time rating things either very low, or very high. everybody would probably get C's.

New Year's Goals

2011-01-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

Goals in 2011:

1. More Books - Hoping for one a week on average

2. Half Marathon - Signing up for Boise's City of Tree's half, and hoping to shave some time off my 2:15 from the Spokane half I did in 2009.

3. Learning more French. Am currently taking a class (thanks, Aaron!) and am hoping to dive in further when it is done.

Aaaaaand, here we go!

book two: mini review

2011-01-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

Before I get into this review, I felt I should say something about how I review books. I like to talk more about the feelings books give me than their actual content. I hate when I look for book reviews and find huge plot summaries. I can read the description on the book jacket, thanks. So if these seem a little "lacking" in description of the actual book, then... That's kind of the point. So, anyway. Now that's said, here's the next review.

Nocturnes - Stories of Music & Nightfall
by: Kazuo Ishiguro
finished: 1.4.11

This was a book of five short stories - tales of music & nightfall. Short stories are bittersweet for me. It takes me a few pages to feel interested in the characters, but by the end, I'm wishing for another chapter. What happens next? That is both the beauty and the frustration of such short stories for me. I love that I can take the story wherever I want to, but I also feel tricked - or empty, almost. It's a feeling of catching a snippet of someone else's conversation - one you want to hear the rest of, except you can't stay, you must move on.

These stories were very gentle - moving through sometimes just a night, and sometimes many days with such an ease that I found myself at the end of the stories without hardly knowing I started. I would turn the page to see the end and feel a little sad. I have a habit of guessing what will happen next, but with short stories, I cannot be proven right or wrong. I would just get an idea in my head and then: boom! story over.

Despite my sadness over short stories, I really did enjoy these. Little snapshots of life, marriages falling apart, relationships formed, secrets and lies and twists, endings, music and musicians, and just... people. Lovely.

Overall: 8/10

Book 1: Mini-review

2011-01-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

Since I don't have anything really to talk about on here, maybe I'll try mini-reviews of the books I read through the year. This should last until say... Book 3? Whatever. For now, here's book one.

Bella Tuscany
by: Frances Mayes
finished: 1.2.11

Bella Tuscany, a sequel of sorts to Under the Tuscan Sun was pretty much everything I'm used to reading in books about other wealthier, luckier people living in foreign countries. Discussions on food, travelling, language barriers, and obnoxious visitors coming to stay. I can only have so much sympathy for those fortunate enough to feel that a "Quick trip to Italy to prune the Olive trees" for a week in the fall after spending all summer there is a bit of a burden.

That said, I can't resist the pull of other people's foreign experiences. The access they enjoy to history, art, language, culture, food, (not that America doesn't have these things, but it is different somehow) is fascinating to me - regardless of how jealous it makes me. Mayes writes beautifully about the mundane everyday stuff that sounds so lovely - trips to little towns for flowers or gelato, talking with townspeople, making dinner - and that's the stuff I enjoy in her books.

Overall: 7/10

books read: 2010

2011-01-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

Once again, I kept a list of all the books I read during the year. I didn't meet my goal of a book a week, but I have the following to say:

I did not read chic-lit - there might be one or two books that lean that direction, but honestly - i made a conscious effort not to read it this year. Since I can read those in about a day or less, I think my smaller list has more quality than it did last year.

My goal for 2011 is to once again read a book a week (on average) but I won't beat myself up if I can't do it. I thought about trying out some tight guidelines such as reading only female writers, or reading just the classics, but, I don't think I could stick to it. So anyway... Here's the list:

1. Special Topics in Calmity Physics (Marisha Pessl) finished 1.16.10
2. Nanny Returns (Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus) finished 1.20.10 (my one foray into chic lit!)
3. The Greatest Disaster Stories Ever Told (Collection) finished 1.26.10 (full disclosure: I skipped the air disaster stories - no need to add more visuals to my already over-active imagination)
4. The Blind Assassin (Margaret Atwood) finished 2.15.10
5. The Believers (Zoe Heller) finished 2.24.10
6. I Drink for a Reason (David Cross) finished 3.3.10
7. Speak Up (Cyndi Maxey) finished 3.8.10
8. The Little Book (Seldon Edwards) finished 3.14.10
9. Forever (Pete Hammil) finished 3.29.10
10. Man or Mango (Lucy Ellman) finished 3.30.10
11. Man Out of Time (Michael Hogan) finished 4.3.10
12. Anything Considered (Peter Mayle) finished 4.20.10
13. Juliet, Naked (Nick Hornby) finished 5.14.10
14. Sleep, Pale Sister (Joanne Harris) finished 5.16.10
15. Rise & Shine (Anna Quindlen) finished 5.19.10
16. Astrid & Veronika (Linda Olsson) finished 6.9.10
17. Disgrace (JM Coetzee) finished 6.13.10
18. Lost in the Forest (Sue Miller) finished 6.20.10
19. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (Jonathan Safran Foer) finished 6.27.10
20. Committed (Elizabeth Gilbert) finished 7.1.10
21. Eat Pray Love (Elizabeth Gilbert) finished 7.4.10
22. Almost French (Sarah Turnbull) finished 7.11.10
23. Encore Provence (Peter Mayle) finished 7.18.10
24. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Stieg Larsson) finished 8.8.10
25. The Girl who Played with Fire (Stieg Larsson) finished 8.16.10
26. Then we Came to the End (Jonathan Ferris) finished 9.10.10
27. A Disorder Peculiar to the Country (Ken Kalfus) finished: 9.14.10
28. Up in the Air (Walter Kirn) finished 9.20.10
29. Transmission (Hari Kunzu) finished 10.2.10
30. Never Let Me Go (Kazuo Ishiguro) finished 10.19.10
31. The Girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest (Stieg Larsson) finished 11.5.10
32. The Bean Trees (Barbara Kingsolver) finished 11.14.10
33. Life Before Man (Margaret Atwood) finished 11.22.10
34. Paris in the 20th Century (Jules Verne) finished 11.28.10
35. The Zahir (Paulo Coehelo) finished 11.29.10
36. London Boulevard (Ken Bruen) finished 11.30.10
37. The Swan Thieves (Elizabeth Kostova) finished 12.10.10
38. Remarkable Creatures (Tracy Chevalier) finished 12.17.10

Some specifics:

Least Favorite Book of 2010: There were a couple that weren't my favorite, but the biggest disappointment was Up in the Air - I have watched part of the movie, and I must say, this is one time the movie wins. The book had unlikeable characters, zero plot, and was basically depressing.

Favorite Book of 2010: SO many. I truly enjoyed most books I read, and several I would read again. Standouts though, would be Special Topics in Calamity Physics and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I loved both of these books for very different reasons - Special Topics was so interesting, and was a story I felt I hadn't read before. Extremely Loud just really felt very special to me - a young boy on a quest of sorts when he loses a parent. I loved it.

Book I was most looking forward to reading: Probably the Millenium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson - I had heard so much about them, and was very curious. I really enjoyed all of them, so I wasn't let down.

Must read more of: I really fell in love with Margaret Atwood books this year - I think I only read 2, but I read another of hers last year, and so far I haven't been disappointed. I love her style of writing - smart, sometimes weird and far fetched, but approachable and interesting. I also plan on reading another Kazuo Ishiguro soon, and will probably attempt The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova since I own a copy, and enjoyed the book I read this year by her. Last, having finally read a Barbara Kingsolver, I feel I must delve further into her huge library of books.

So that's it! Happy reading in 2011, friends!

two headed jen

2010-09-08T11:19:00.000-06:00

i have two heads. one of these is level, the other is askew. one sees promise and hope, the other sees only sorrow. one says yes, you'll be okay, the other speaks only in what ifs.

one of these is me, and so is the other, but they are not each other.

it is very heavy having two heads.

dog parkin

2010-07-23T19:00:00.001-06:00

it's been about a month or more since our first (failed) attempt at taking donut to the local dog park - the only area close to us where dogs are allowed off leash. it's a pretty nice sized area, fenced in, and basically is boring unless you want to your dog to play and run out some energy.

i decided to give it another go tonight, and she did great! but this is not about her! this is me complaining about those things i sometime loathe soooo much! HUMANS! OTHER HUMAN BEINGS!

when we arrived, there were about 10-12 humans and 10-12 dogs. And what were those humans doing? sitting on their fucking asses under the canopy. and what were the dogs doing? NOTHING! because the humans were sitting on their asses! i'm sorry, but if you are going to sit on your butt, and not play with your dog, then you might as well just go to a regular park, because none of these dogs were more than a leash length away from their owners anyway.

until i showed up.

and i was there to actually play with my dog, armed with her favorite toy, determined to make this time much more fun than last time. after donut met some new dogs, we went to a far corner and started playing fetch. and then all those bored dogs who wanted something to chase after decided that i was their new favorite human, and MY dog's toy was THEIR new favorite toy. there was one dog who stole the frisbee and wouldn't give it back for about 5 minutes. and the dog's human just laughed.

another dog would sit there until my dog went and got HER frisbee, and then would rush her and take it from her. FROM HER MOUTH! and her human just sat there.

i mean, come ON! i wore my dog out in 10 minutes, and these jackholes are gonna go home and wonder why their dog is being such a pain. news flash, humans: your dog doesn't let out energy by just sitting there! you must interact with it. and news flash 2: other humans who actually come to the park to play with their dog do not enjoy entertaining your little beasts, too.

so there.

Farmer's Market Salad

2010-07-19T20:08:00.000-06:00

I'm not much of a recipe maker-upper, and this is so basic, it hardly qualifies as a recipe, but it was delicious, and I thought I'd share.

Aaron and I try to go to the farmer's market every Saturday we can to stock up on local goodness. Due to a long, cool, wet spring (which was to die for!), the options have been somewhat limited. So we got what we could and have been trying to eat different things lately using our local ingredients.

Tonight, because it's so damn HOT outside, we weren't super hungry, and I had been wanting to use our beets. So, I sort of made up a beet & carrot salad. I suggest farmer's market produce, because it just can't be compared to the grocery store stuff. Here's what you need for 2 servings:

6 beets (ours were long and skinny, so you may need more of the regular kind)
Equivalent of 3 normal size carrots
Fresh mint
Feta cheese (we are lucky to find this locally made, and it's delicious!)
Balsamic Vinegar
Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper

If your house heats up like ours done when the oven or stove is on for long periods of time, cook your beets in the microwave. Just place them in a (microwave safe) bowl of water, just covering the beets. Cover loosely with plastic wrap, and microwave for 8-15 minutes.They are done when pierced easily with a knife or fork.

Meanwhile, cut carrots into rounds. When beets are soft, place carrots in a tablespoon or so of olive oil, sprinkle some salt & pepper, and sautee.

While carrots are cooking, peel the beets (in an apron if you are a messy cook like i am), cut into rounds, and when the carrots are almost done, add to the pan. Sautee for about 3 minutes more.

Place on plate, crumble some feta on top, add a few shredded bits of mint, and drizzle a bit of balsamic on everything.

Et voila. Light local summer eating.

I suggest following it up with a big bowl of ice cream.

dream blog

2010-07-06T16:21:00.000-06:00

on a slightly less important note, i had a dream last night i was back in high school (ugh). luckily, this time, i think i was supposed to be on a high school tv show, because i remember thinking in the dream that the writing better stay strong when we go to the college years...

anyway - in this dream, i was being given a math test. in real life, i was really good at math in high school. in this dream, i was not. and the teacher blew. we were taking some sort of standardized test that he had not prepared us for at all. frantically, he was trying to explain the concepts we would need to know for the test. he told us to expect some problems about kids jumping into a pool where we would need to calculate the temperature of the water in degrees Celsius. then he laughed, and asked "do you know why it is called celsius?" we stared blankly. he answered the question himself: "because there are LITERALLY a centillion degrees!"

what's weird is that i thought i just made that word up. but when i googled it, i discovered it really exists! in the US it is 1 followed by 303 0's. In the british/european number system, it is 1 followed by 600 0's. but nowhere could i figure out if there was any real connection between celsius and centillion, except that they are somewhat close to each other in the dictionary.

i also had a dream that i had 2 billion dollars in my bank account, which may seem awesome, but now that i know how little a billion is in comparison to a centillion, it just doesn't seem like it will cut it.

Honesty or Selfishness

2010-07-06T14:00:00.000-06:00

Internets, I'm about to get honest on your ass.

I have been blessed in the last year to have been introduced to two beautiful nieces, and in December, I will become an aunt for the 3rd time. It's a beautiful thing, and I am giddy with joy every time I get to see them.

But that joy? It turns to panic and horror when I think about having kids of my own. There's a reason when people ask when we are having kids I say "IF not WHEN". Because that's the truth. The weird thing is, up until everyone I know (almost literally) started having babies, I actually was in the "when not if" camp. But all those babies? Making me not want babies.

The truth is, I don't know whether I'm being selfish, honest, selfishly honest, or what. But the idea of raising an infant that becomes a baby that becomes a toddler that becomes a child that becomes a teenager that becomes an adult does not appeal to me, for many reasons.

Apart from the financial reasons (which play a large factor) I have personal reasons. Personal, as in, I see things in myself that I feel would make me a bad parent.

I have commitment issues. Miraculously, this has not extended into my feelings on marriage, but it does apply to just about every area of my life. I have a hard time sticking with anything. Let's just say having a dog leaves me feeling panicky about the amount of care I must provide it, and I think about how much harder it is to be out of the house, or leave for a week when there's a dog to think about. Committing to a baby? I don't see that working out so well.

I have frustration issues. I am easily frustrated to the point of tears or anger or meltdowns involving both. It's something I am working on, but this temper of mine fights back hard. I really don't want to be the type of parent who yells at my kid because they don't understand me, or aren't falling asleep fast enough, or isn't doing what I think they should be doing.

I love doing nothing, and everything. As long as it is something I want to do. I am selfish, and I recognize this. I don't want to resent having children because I could not live the life I wanted to.

There are so many more reasons. And the truth is, there is only one reason I can think of to have kids of my own. And that is to have grown up children who I can spend holidays with.

What really makes me feel weird about this, is I might never be ready or willing or able to have kids. And in my whole family, I know exactly ONE person who has not yet had kids (excluding cousins and those younger than I am). So it's not a decision that I have an example for. I don't know if it's a reasonable or acceptable life choice. And the worst part: If we never have kids, will there be a time I regret that?

This is such a personal choice, and yet, it has been almost assumed that we would choose "yes".

But, everybody, (or all 2 of you who read this), my answer might just be "no". And honestly, (or selfishly) that's okay with me.

me vs. technology

2010-05-24T18:05:00.000-06:00

holy f bombs, i am losing my mind.

This is my day so far:

1) Take computer in to maclife, because screen will not turn on. Tech failure #1
2) Car will not start. Wait for a jump from husband's boss (awkward) - drive to auto store, leave car running while purchasing a battery (which hopefully is the problem)
3) Schedule appointment for OTHER car problem (something with rear wheel bearing?)
4) Decide would be a good time to set up Time Machine (apple's backup system) on hard drive. Hard Drive begins clicking, and stalling occasionally. Based on reviews, this means hard drive will probably fail. Which means I have to spend time on the phone with the manufacturer, who will probably only replace the hard drive (if that!) and not refund me my money to buy better one.

On top of this, my hair dryer shed sparks across the bathroom this weekend, I had to take the car in last week for a repair Subaru said we needed, our digital TV converter died, and its replacement is a piece of junk that turns channels ALL BY ITSELF without asking, and we are due for our 30,000 maintenance stuff in just a few miles.

Sometimes, I just want to be Amish.

dream blog: best dream EVER!

2010-04-29T08:52:00.003-06:00

Alright seriously, this dream was amazing. Why?

I first told off, and then beat the sh*t out of Doug Batchelor for his supremely sexist, douchy, everythingihateaboutadventism, and just plain wrong sermon on women in the ministry.

awe-some.

Dear Nathan

2010-02-17T09:30:00.004-07:00

8 years.

This marks the last year where I will have known you longer than you've been gone. When I think about it that way, it breaks my heart. Knowing how much we changed from geeky 3rd graders to Freshmen in college only makes me aware of just how much we've missed out on together in the last 8 years. You are frozen in time now - forever a 19 year old. Every major moment in my life is one more that you will never see, and a reminder that I will never witness you achieving them.

We managed to make so many memories in our 9 years of knowing each other. I sometimes can't believe that I will never hear you hit on me again. I will never have a Nathan bear hug again. I will never try to lecture you again. I will never know what you would have made of your life.

I wrote you a letter the day after you died, asking what sort of trick you thought you will playing on us. I sometimes see someone who reminds me of you, and for a moment I think you're back. And you should be. We need you. Your family needs you. Even after 8 years, I am still angry that you died. I am still numb. I am still sad. My emotions are there, but you are slipping. What does your voice sound like? How tall are you? What do your hugs feel like? I'm losing you. Photographs and notes and memories only go so far.

I miss you Nathan. I hate that life goes on sometimes. I hate that you don't know Aaron, and that he never knew you. I hate that because of what happened to you I am afraid of things. I hate that you're gone. But I love you, still. And this date is a constant reminder to say that - a reminder of how much life can change in a day.

I hope you knew you were loved, and that you are still.

xoxo
j

Yes Hooray!

2010-01-28T10:33:00.002-07:00

That little project I've been working on for a year or so? The one involving an iPod crashing? The one that had me listen to so many 20-second snippets of songs that I became a virtual "bing" commercial with music-engine overload. The one that had me spend hours and hours and hours and hours figuring out ways to do this more easily only to find half of those solutions just took up more time?

Well. It's done. It's finished. I've got my music back. Thanks to a combination of patience (yeah, right), a program to rename ID3 tags to their proper MP3 names (right click, scroll, select title... repeat x 5,000 times) and the idea to catalogue all the music we already have on the computer, on CDs, or on Aaron's work computer, cross reference, and delete the newly properly named files I didn't need, I cut out hours of work of importing songs I didn't want or need.

And last night I finished. It may not seem like a big deal, but holy crap! This project has pretty much consumed my life for the last week, as well as for a couple of months right after it happened. I am so flippin excited to have all my music back in one place - all 26.1 days worth, 35.7 GBs in 9,601 songs.

Sigh.Of.Relief. Now to finally pour myself a cup of coffee for the morning.

woah flashback

2010-01-26T15:25:00.003-07:00

i'm (still) in the (painful) process of importing my music from an iPod that died over a year ago. it's a really lame annoying process, but i've come across some music i kind of forgot about - and it's weird the different feelings & memories that are stirred up in a 20 second clip of music. The following are some random examples: (and they remind me of why Aaron once made fun of me for my music collection...)

1. Sarah McLachlan - (from the cd Afterglow) - I used to be a HUGE Sarah McLachlan fan, and I admit, I might still listen to it on a rare occasion. But just a 20 second clip of this took me right back to a summer where I worked for my grandma in Portland. Every lunch break, I would put on Sarah McLachlan, open up a book from the "Sword of Truth" series (yep, i read fantasy books sometimes), and eat lunch - most memorably the corndogs from gladstone campmeeting. awesome.

2. The Faint - This weird little group sings catchy songs about really really weird stuff. But this music takes me immediately back to a section of the drive from Portland to Walla Walla - the part on the highway between 1-84, and the boring 2-laner.

3. Bad Religion - Takes me back to a drive home from the Denver airport. Maybe because that's the most I listened to this CD?

4. Elliot Smith / Nada Surf - I might as well be back in my last year of college sitting in Intro to Video with several friends and watching the music videos we had all made. My friend Jeff, a huge Nada Surf fan, used one of their songs, and I used an Elliot Smith song. Now I can't listen to either without thinking of that class (and my terrible videos).

5. Cursive (just one song: Art is Hard) - This was on a mix CD aaron made for me shortly after we started dating. I listened to this CD all christmas long, and this song in particular reminds me of Christmas in Sun River, which is actually when I got the doomed iPod, hanging out with family, playing Trivial Pursuit, watching the events of the Asian Tsunami unfold, arguing with my family about Harry Potter, and missing Aaron.

6. Dashboard Confessional - Um, yeah, I totally loved this guy back in the day. It mostly reminds me of England, a trip to Cornwall, a bag of crisps, winning a free curry meal, and pining away for a boy I just couldn't let go of. Good stuff.

7. All American Rejects, The Used - Hello 2nd year of college: A year that featured weird personal choices, a semi-stalker, many superficial friendships, many tears, many car trips in my friend liz's green honda and singing songs by these bands loudly.

8. Modest Mouse - Aaron & I drove all the way to Portland & back in a night during dead week to see this concert. I can't listen to them without revisiting the memories of getting to know Aaron on that drive. And also the strange creature we both saw very very early in the morning that seemed to disappear much too suddenly... Seriously - what WAS that thing?

9. Simon & Garfunkel - It's a strange thing when your best friend mentions a song he would like played at his funeral, and then not too much longer after that dies in a car accident, and has that song played at his funeral. If you want to see me bawl, just put on bridge over troubled water, and watch me go.

10. Weezer - "Blue" - This might be the CD with the most memories. Interestingly, most take place on car trips - probably because it makes such an awesome road trip CD - I can sing every word to every song. It can take me from a trip to Sun Valley when my above mentioned friend first played this CD for me, to basketball trips, to a more recent trip back from Portland with Aaron. I really really love this CD.

oh man, there are just so many more, but I think this list is probably only interesting to me, and I already know all the memories attached, so I think I'm just going to stop writing about it, and get back to importing the stuff.

40 books in 2009

2010-01-02T11:53:00.004-07:00

Last year I made an attempt to read more, and keep track of what books I read. This year, I'm hoping to read even more... Dare I say an average of 1 of week? That's only 12 more total... I think I can do it.

Now, before I type the list, let me just say - I am fully aware that many of the books I read are not thoughtful well written pieces of literature. And I (and sometimes Aaron) do judge myself for it. So, when you come across the multitude of chic-lit in this list, remember, I've suffered enough, and please do not make fun of me!

So... here is the list, in order of completion.

1. Chocolat (Joanne Harris) - finished 1.5.09
2. Queen of babble gets hitched (Meg Cabot) finished 1.6.09
3. Three Cups of Tea (Greg Mortensen) finished 1.6.09
4. The Other Side of the Story (Marian Keyes) finished 1.15.09
5. Run (Ann Patchett) finished 1.16.09
6. To Have or To Hold (Jane Green) finished 1.25.09
7. Child in Time (Ian McEwan) finished 2.7.09
8. Anyone Out There (Marian Keyes) finished 2.11.09
9. This Charming Man (Marian Keyes) finished 2.20.09
10. Les Miserables (Victor Hugo) finished 4.9.09 (come on, this feat alone has to make up for most of the chic lit, right?)
11. Murder on the Nile (Agatha Christie) finished 4.21.09
12. Watermelon (Marian Keyes) finished 4. 23.09
13. Murder on the Orient Express (Agatha Christie) finished 5.3.09
14. Mind's Eye (Hakan Nesser) finished 5.6.09
15. On Chesil Beach (Ian McEwan) finished 5.12.09
16. Lucy Sullivan Getting Married (Marian Keyes) finished 5.17.09
17. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (J.K. Rowling) finished 5.27.09
18. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (J.K. Rowling) finished 6.10.09
19. Borkmann's Point (Hakkan Nesser) finished 6.14.09
20. The Girl with no Shadow (Joanne Harris) finished 6.18.09
21. Angels (Marian Keyes) finished 7.5.09
22. Rumors (Anna Godbersen) finished 7.16.09
23. The Physik Book of Deliverance Dane (Katherine Howe) finished 8.11.09
24. Franny & Zooey (J.D. Salinger) finished 8.17.09
25. The Time Traveller's Wife (Audrey Niffenegger) finished 8.21.09
26. Fake Liar Cheat (Adam Goldstein) finished 10.4.09
27. AM/PM (Amelia Gray) finished 10.5.09
28. A Year in Provence (Peter Mayle) finished 10.17.09
29. Toujours, Provence (Peter Mayle) finished 10.22.09
30. Motherless Brooklyn (Jonathan Lethem) finished 11.15.09
31. Envy (Anna Godbersen) finished 11. 15.09
32. The Lost Symbol (Dan Brown) finished 11.18.09
33. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho) finished 11.19.09
34. Her Fearful Symmetry (Audrey Niffenegger) finished 11.21.09
35. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold) finished 11.22.09
36. Pride & Prejudice & Zombies (Seth Graham-Smith & Jane Austen) finished 12.7.09
37. Cleaving (Julie Powell) finished 12.11.09
38. Splendor (Anna Godbersen) finished 12.14.09
39. Talk to the Snail (Stephen Clarke) finished 12.20.09
40. Into Thin Air (Jon Krakaur) finished 12.24.09

Least Favorite Book of 2009: The Physik Book of Deliverance Dane - I read this for a book club that I went to once. This book was so ridiculous, so predictable, and the author was clearly a grad-school snob. I was bored and rolling my eyes through it.

Favorite Book of 2009: Motherless Brooklyn - Very entertaining and smart. Runners-up would include the Provence books, because I've been a bit of a francophile this year. There were many others I loved, but, I've probably forgotten that by now.

Quickest Read: The Anna Godbersen books - basically "gossip girl" for the 1900's. Most of these took me just a few hours.

Longest Read: Les Miserables - but I think that's acceptable.

Book I was most looking forward to reading: Her Fearful Symmetry - which, didn't necessarily let me down, but it was not nearly as compelling as I had hoped for.

Absolute worst character name in the history of books: Tedward (this was actually in a book I read in 2008, but I still can't get over it). Seriously. Ted.Ward. Tedward. WTF.

Alright - that's it! Any recommendations for 2010's list?

dream blog

2009-11-11T18:11:00.002-07:00

Backstory: When Aaron and I were flying out of San Francisco on our way home from seeing our niece, our plane stayed abnormally low, and actually slowed down after take off - this made me very very nervous. After a few minutes though, everything kicked into gear, and the plane accelerated and finally gained altitude. It was a weird feeling.

Last night I dreamed that I was on a flight doing the same thing. We stayed very low to the ground, and were going seemingly very slow. The pilot said we would have to land, and try again to take off. We were flying over fields in Eastern Washington. When we landed, we landed in somebody's farm. In talking with the farmers & pilot, we discovered that the reason the plane couldn't gain altitude was because of ALL THE LADYBUGS. And then I looked around, and there were ladybugs EVERYWHERE. Spotless ladybugs, none the less. My friends Candi and Jesse showed up to play a game. We took a tour of the farm & the ladybugs. And when it was safe, we boarded our plane, and took off again.

I mean really. Where does this stuff come from?

Training Stats

2009-10-08T16:27:00.003-06:00

Training is done! The days of my Sundays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays being invaded by sweat, sore muscles, weird tasting energy items and jogging clothes are over! Just one Sunday left to endure... 13.1 miles of a "challenging" course with SUB-FREEZING weather are ahead. But really, I'm feeling pretty optimistic about it. Here are some stats from the training. Once the race is done, I'll update with finish time & averages.

Weeks spent training: 12 (plus 4 before this to "train for the training"... necessary when running a mile wore me out)

Miles run: 206.22
Best Mile: 8:40
Best 1K: 5:25
Best 5K: 29:23
Best 10K: 1:01:06
Farthest run: 9.15 miles
Number of runs: 59
Total time spent running: 36:11:28
Average Pace over 59 runs: 10:32/mi
Total calories: 21,251 (all immediately eaten back in ice cream or donuts)

JUNE: 3 runs, 5.62 total miles, 13:01/mi (one of those "runs" was a walk to test the nike thing...)
JULY: 15 runs, 36.74 total miles, 11:44/mi
AUGSUT: 17 runs, 61.76 total miles, 10:21/mi
SEPTEMBER: 17 runs, 82.41 total miles, 10:01/mi
OCTOBER: 4 runs, 19.1 total miles, 10:13/mi (to be fair, 9 of these miles were run intentionally at a 10:45 pace, taking that average higher than it would be normally...)

RACE DAY GOALS: Finish the frickin race. I'm not the fastest runner on the planet, but I've certainly improved. I hope to finish at or under 2:15:00, but we'll see! I really will be happy if I can just run the whole race. Wish me luck!

brain surgery?

2009-08-31T10:58:00.002-06:00

I don't know if this is real, or was making a point...

But it sort of makes me laugh, and then it makes me a little annoyed. I know that graphic designers don't spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to get advanced education in very specialized areas. I know that the things we do generally aren't saving lives, and making a mistake in our job typically won't destroy anyone's life, but still...

Why are people in the arts (and this can extend to fine arts, writing, and much more, I expect) asked to do work for free? Why are the services we offer so often under appreciated that we are asked to do them for nothing but "credit" to build our portfolios? I know that sometimes this work leads to paying work with the same company, but often, it does not. Because the same people that want you to design their logo, website, and brochure for nothing are the people who take your work for granted. Once you've helped them make a buck, they spend it with a bigger firm, and forget all about the little guy who helped them get there. (Not to mention those who don't pay generally have the strongest ideas of what they want and will put you through about 100 soul-shattering revisions until you have produced the ugliest design you've ever done and won't want to put it in your portfolio, anyway!)

I think there is a place for free design - non-profits, pet projects, passions, and so on. That's where free work works - you generally get to be creative, they appreciate you, and they spread your name around town. But I'm really not okay with for-profit organizations asking professionals to do work for free. Discounted rates? Sure! But free? Come on. I know start-ups are often strapped for cash, but do they walk into Office Depot and ask for free paper? Do they ask for free rent the first 6 months they are in business? I doubt it. So where did people get the idea that the services I offer are worth nothing? I'm no brain surgeon, but I still have to pay the rent, and adding a sub-par piece of work to the portfolio isn't going to do that.

the list

2009-07-31T15:25:00.002-06:00

once, when i was little, i made a list of things i wanted to do before i was "old", which i probably thought was like, 35. now that you can round my age right on up to 30, i feel like i need to revise that to things i want to do before i'm...really old...

here's the new list.

1. live abroad for at least a little while
2. make more stuff for etsy shop, and then promote it
3. find new clients for business, and promote that
4. run the whole 1/2 marathon
5. run (or very close to it) a full marathon
6. make more of a difference
7. learn french
8. become less fearful of, well, everything
9. be more generous
10. have one of those...family...things (while on the list, it's purposely towards the bottom!)
11. stop making lists and do shit

alright - off to cut some fabric!

Packing

2009-06-25T14:47:00.003-06:00

NOW:
Bedrooms: 2
Sq. Footage: 1,000?
Storage: Lots
Kitchen: Large

NEXT:
Bedrooms: 1
Sq. Footage: 500-600?
Storage: Not Lots
Kitchen: Awkward
bonus: POOL!

SO:
Trips to thrift store to unload junk & college furniture: 3 (and more to come)
Trash bags: 20? 25? 100?
Stress Level: High-ish
New Storage Solution: Parents!

Ugh.

2009-04-06T09:33:00.002-06:00

what does T3+N2+M0=? Stage 3 cancer.

not to get all doomy and gloomy here, but i'm an emotions on the sleeve kind of girl, so bear with me.

my family is sadly no stranger to death. but the sort of death i've been around is all, for the most part, very sudden and accidental. and i realize i'm late to the game of grandparents getting sick, and i should have expected this at some point.

but i just don't quite know how to deal with the thought of this great unknown cancer crap. my grandma will undergo chemotherapy once every 3-4 weeks for the next 6 months. and then what? does it go away? does she go to the doctor 4 times a year to see if it comes back. if it does come back, where will it be? how bad will it be? what does a 5 year survival rate of 44% plus 25% from the chemotherapy even mean?

i just don't want to think of her not being around. i lived in the same town as my grandma for 8 years. just down the street. probably saw her at least 3 times a week. spent a week every summer hanging out, going on road trips, playing mini-golf. have spent almost every thanksgiving and christmas with her for 25 years. did a frickin marathon with her 2 years ago. for crying out loud, her own mother is 101 and still going strong - i just didn't see this coming.

this is a new sort of grief to me. i don't know if she'll be okay. i expect it will be a roller coaster of progress and regression, and i haven't had to deal with that before. this is in no way the immediate & sudden grief i have known. this is a prolonged guessing and hoping and not knowing a bloody thing sort of grief. the only thing to do i guess is keep going.

No, No, NOOO no.

2009-03-31T19:33:00.002-06:00

A while ago, I posted this story. At the time, I was hopeful that, like me, members of the house would scoff at how ridiculous it was and kill it.

But no. Those douchebags passed it, and overwhelmingly so. So now it moves on to the local congress. Because I don't believe that any man will be going without his viagra, nor will people be denied access to heart medications, or antibiotics, it seems clear that this bill targets specifically women and their need for birth control or emergency contraception.

I know there is a law that allows health care professionals to not issue perscriptions if they so choose, but even that allows sufficient time for a woman to obtain a perscription elsewhere. If this ability is extended to pharmacists (especially those in small towns here in Idaho), women could be S.O.L.

While men are able to be safe & responsible simply by purchasing a box of condoms any old place, women already have to go the extra mile. Schedule an appointment with your GYN, be a little bit violated, get a perscription written out, call it in, take yourself to the pharmacy, pay 4 times as much, and only then can you feel like you are taking responsibility for your own safety.

I think it's obvious that I disdain this bill, and I should probably stop ranting about it. Now I'm off to write a letter to my (already against the bill) local senator and express my disdain to her.

Just a question: am I alone in thinking this is sexist, antiquated and ridiculous?

b-day list

2009-03-31T13:39:00.003-06:00

um, i start counting down to my birthday the day after it happens. so, waiting until it is less than 2 months away to start talking about it is showing great restraint.

there's only a few things i have thought about wanting this year. here's the list:

This is so cool and inspiring, and makes me wish I were an illustrating genius.

This for This

The only other thing would be an awesome book with bags to sew or make. Like, pretty much exclusively bags. But I haven't found one yet that I love.

And that is all. ooooooh birthdays i love you.

The Music Makes It

2009-03-27T08:50:00.002-06:00

Seriously - the music is perfect in these trailers. I love it.

The First One is two-fold awesome. I think you'll see why.

This One is awesome starting about half way through. But you might want to close your eyes. There's some weird stuff happening in the trailer.

Good stuff.

hoursandhourslater

2009-03-26T18:13:00.003-06:00

13 folders down, 37 more to go!

at this rate, i'll be done by my birthday for which i will be collecting $$ to buy a new iPod. thanks.

Bright Spots:

2009-03-20T09:38:00.004-06:00

Okay need to bring back some optimism. Good things have happened or will be happening today:

1) Crocus flower blooming in front yard
2) Taxes finished, and we are getting a REFUND bitches
3) It's popcorn and pints Friday
4) It's bike riding weather - hoo-rah

*Did I mention that I found a way to get my music back? Yes, this is a bright spot. Turns out the songs are still on the iPod as hidden files thanks to a program I installed a few years ago to take my music from the iPod to the computer... All I have to do is click on EACH song individually, listen at 0:06, 0:12, 0:16 to see if it skips or doesn't play, delete it if it's a duplicate, and then move on to the next one! By my calculations, this will only take me about 38 hours, averaging 20 seconds a song for 7,000 songs. However, when you factor in that an average of 2 songs per folder (there are 50 folders) will not transfer, and freeze up iTunes for 4 minutes, that adds another 6.5 hours or so of just waiting for iTunes to un-freeze. It's tedious, but my music lives.

how long is this week?

2009-03-19T17:54:00.002-06:00

today? not so bad. a highlight of the week in that nothing happened. i made bread, rode my bike for a few minutes, and that's all.

but i still feel drained, and finding out last night that my grandma most likely has cancer has done nothing to boost this mood of mine.

seriously, can this week please be over already?

Hey Monday!

2009-03-16T20:01:00.004-06:00

Dear Monday:

Thanks for wiping out the contents of my iPod, 80% of which is not stored on my computer!

oh oh, AND

Thanks for having my biggest client decide to stop working with me! For no reason! Even though my work has given them huge responses and revenue! Great news!

You've still got 4 hours - got anything else you'd like to throw my way? Well? DO YOU?

oh you DID... very sneaky, Monday. I forgot bad things come in threes. This, though annoying, was a weak effort. A broken glass? Is that all? It wasn't even full of milk or anything!

Thanks for everything,
love,
JG

Cravings

2009-03-12T14:48:00.003-06:00

I am craaaaaving europe. Sometimes I miss being there so much, I'll put on music that I don't ever listen to anymore just to bring back memories associated with it.

I can't explain the connection I felt with Europe. I must have spent a past life living there, because it was just home. Sure, there were times it was obvious I was an outsider, but I loved every minute of being there. (Newbold food aside).

Today I am somewhat overwhelmed with a want to be in London. I want to go visit the museums, shop in Camden market, walk around my favorite spots, grab a bite at pret a manger, get one of starbuck's delicious caramel waffle cookies that I have never seen in the US, eat hobnobs, ride the tube, sit in hyde park, and just enjoy life.

I want strongbow from the tap, I want malt vinegar on my chips, I want to hoover my floor and throw my rubbish in the bin. I want to be confused when getting into the frontseat of a friend's car. I want to visit Zara and H&M and laugh at the clothes in Top Shop. I want to shop at Sainsbury's and Tesco and Boots. I want to see movies months after they come out in the States. I want to fly Easy Jet and Ryan Air and ride Southwest Trains.

I want to be a short flight away from France, Italy, Germany, Ireland, Scotland and Spain. I want afternoon tea. I want bank holidays. I want more hobnobs.

I just.really.miss.it.

Dream Blog

2009-03-09T16:11:00.002-06:00

Dream 3.7.09
The girl scouts came to my door to sell me cookies. They told me they really needed my support because they were having to live in a box (they pointed across the street to a suddenly ghetto area filled with cardboard boxes). So I bought some thin mints. Then they asked if they could please borrow my cat for the night. So I thought, okay, they could use the company. I gave them Olive, as well as her food and litterbox. After they left, I went to open the thin mints. The boxes were empty! I had been scammed by the girlscouts! Fearing I would never see Olive again, I went out to search the ghetto for the troop leader. I caught a glimpse of her and she ran away. I started crying about Olive, and returned back home, where I went into the backyard to be miserable. There I saw a cardboard box home where the troop leader actually lived. She came out, gave me a big hug, handed Olive back to me, and said "you've taught us all a valuable lesson". When I went back inside, Olive's food and littlerbox were waiting by the door.

Dream 3.8.09
I was at Hastings with Aaron trying to get money for some CD's he had sold. In order to determine what he was owed, they stuck him on a scale of sorts where his body shrunk and expanded until it reached a particular size. He was then weighed, and whatever his weight was what he was given in dollars (he got 280 dollars or something). We then had to sit and wait in a chair until his body has returned to normal size. Next to him was a woman who was as puffy as Harry's blown up aunt in Harry Potter. I looked at her and said, "my goodness you must have sold a lot of CD's".

Blue Girl Red State

2009-03-04T21:00:00.004-07:00

It seems to me that the conservative men in this state hate both women and sex. This little article sealed that belief for me.

http://www.idahostatesman.com/newsupdates/story/686840.html

Dream Blog - Because I gotta start writing this stuff down

2009-02-28T12:25:00.003-07:00

Dream 2.25.09-

TI & Lil Wayne are in a fatal car accident in London - I read about it on CNN and wonder how I'm going to tell Aaron.

Dream 2.27.09 -

I am in a dance competition on a cruise ship. I am dancing the tango with an unidentified man. After a practice, they show us video of last year's competition. It is a solo dance, on a skateboard, in a skate park. There is an older competitor complaining that the kids just don't have the grace he has.

on a more serious note...

2009-02-27T17:29:00.002-07:00

I read yesterday how Idaho lawmakers shot down a bill aimed to stop discrimination in the workplace, etc. for gays & lesbians. And after last year's prop 8 fiasco, I am getting more and more frustrated with Americans not giving rights to gays & lesbians.

Without getting into all the things that, frankly, piss me off about this, there was one thing that stood out to me today when thinking about it. I have a friend who has a cousin... I don't know much about the cousin except that she is getting married (or has already gotten married) to a man who is a sex offender, and is currently in prison.

How the F*** does that man have more rights than an upstanding gay or lesbian citizen in America? That IS NOT RIGHT.

Anyway. That's all. I'm going to stop before I get up the nerve to actually spell out the expletives.

Updates

2009-02-27T12:21:00.002-07:00

Made it into top 3 candidates for the job, now fingers crossed for the offer... (please please please i get so bored at home sometimes!)

Also - am on page 300 of les miserable - progress!

lent!

2009-02-24T16:31:00.004-07:00

gotta think of something to give up... any ideas?

*think will give up NOT doing something. as in: will stop NOT being active...

have got it! am giving up chic lit*. and while am at it, will finally finish les miserable.

*not a type of veggie meat, or gum.

The List

2009-02-24T09:49:00.005-07:00

I like to copy everything my sister in law posts, so I'm posting my list. My list list.*

1. James Franco (circa this)
2. Hugh Laurie
3. Daniel Craig
4. Jason Bourne (sorry Matt Damon)
5. Mr. Darcy

Alternates:
-Jim Sturgess
-John Krasinski
-John Legend (I knew i forgot someone)

*Contents subject to change on a whim

Bookie

2009-02-13T14:48:00.002-07:00

Just for fun... Here's a new list.

BBC Book List
Apparently the BBC reckons most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here.
Bold = I've read it
Italics = I want to read it
Underline = I'll never read it

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis (see also No. 33)
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Berniere
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel - half bold because I read half.
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Alborn
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (see also No. 14)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

The Ex List

2009-02-10T11:36:00.006-07:00

This should be fun... I had a good laugh reading my brother's and his other's lists, so I thought I'd fill my so far boring morning with a little dating history of my own. Good times.

Age 8 - Rory Mohan
My first crush. I was in 2nd grade, he was in 1st. I really don't remember anything other than I'm pretty sure I got to go to his birthday party, and I drew a heart around his head in the yearbook. My parents moved to Boise the following year, I of course went with them, and that was the last I knew of him.

Age 13 - Jered Hochstetter & Taylor Stagg
Well these two little relationships each lasted about a week. They consisted of a couple of phone calls, a few letters, no kisses, and probably teary (on my side) breakups. Both lived far away from me, and I'm not sure I ever saw either one while we were 'going out'.

Age 13-15 - Oh.So.Many.Crushes
A really embarassing time in my life. There were so many boys I was into it's hard to remember.

Age 15 - Carter Johnston
He was a freshman, I was a sophomore. (Again, with the younger guys!). My first real boyfriend, my first kiss. This one lasted all of 4 months, and ended in February (the first of many bad February months). He at least waited until after his birthday where i gave him an offspring CD. Nice guy. He's a hardcore Republican now, so it's all for the best.

Age 16-18 - Joe Zappia
Oh high school relationships. Sooooo serious. Joe was a grade ahead of me, so we had a fun year of being together, and then he went to college. Overall it was a decent relationship (this time around), I met his parents, he met mine, we had some laughs, and thought we were superserious about each other. Then came the summer before my own venture to college, and I found I was more unhappy than happy. So I was very very bad and broke up with him over e-mail, followed by a phone call. Not my proudest moment.

Age 18 - Summer Flings
After breaking up with a 2-year boyfriend, I was looking to have fun. My summer job at a golf course in Denver proved to be a fine place for fun. First there was Josh, and when he left, Billy. Josh was fun to kiss, Billy was fun to play golf with. And that was that.

Age 18 - Joe Zappia (Again)
After a couple months of college, I decided to ask Joe out again. I'm not sure if it was guilt for breaking up with him in such a mean way, or what. This relationship should have stayed in high-school though. I wanted to hang out, Joe wanted to play video games. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of lying to me, and a lot of ignoring that this was headed downhill. In hindsight, I wish I had had the guts to break it off when I first felt like doing it. Instead, I put it off. And then our best friend died, and I topped the e-mail breakup. Breaking up the day after a funeral is never nice. This was the 2nd, and worst, bad February of my life.

Age 19 - Ian Castille
This was more of an I wanted to get coffee, he wanted to kiss sort of thing. It didn't last long.

Age 19 - Brent Seton
The 3rd and final February breakup. Brent was a nice enough guy, I liked him, he liked me, we had fun while it lasted (4 months). And then he ignored me for a week, and when I called him on it, he broke up with me. I'm pretty sure he was already over me by then, but I sort of hung onto those feelings for way too long. It was summer before I had given up on him, I think.

Age 20 - Philip Hoover
O.M.G. this was the weirdest relationship of my life. I was in England going to school when I met him. I had decided not to date anyone, as I didn't want to be one of those girls who came back with a random guy in all her Europe pictures. But I really hit it off with Philip, and after hanging out for a month or so, and him asking me out a couple of times, I finally gave into dating him when he asked me out on top of a burial mound in Canterbury. Things were golden, and then, one week later, after a seemingly good day visiting Windsor, he broke up with me. While we were waiting for the bus back to school. Which meant an awkward ride all the way back. After a couple weeks more of being friends with benefits, it was done. He sort of started hitting on a girl who was a good friend of mine in England. And then they hooked up. There were some awkward conversations after this, with both of them, and it was all very dramatic. Which I regret. But what I don't regret? My europe pictures are awesome, and I don't have to cut anyone out of them.

Age 20 - Europe Flings
What would Europe have been without kissing a random australian in Paris? Or an American friend in England? Or an English friend in England?

Age 21 - The one and only blind date
Thanks mom. The only redeeming aspect of this date was that I didn't have to pay for dinner.

Age 21 - Summer Crushes
I had a lovely time flirting this summer. And that was all.

Age 21-life - Well Hello Aaron Grable
We met, we flirted, I persued, I almost gave up. In a weird way, I have his ex to thank for pointing out that I was a good match for him. This was the greatest relationship. Easy, drama-free, happy and fun. And when he popped the question 3 years later, I made the easiest and best decision of my life.

inter-vue

2009-02-10T11:21:00.002-07:00

I have an interview of sorts on Monday. The position is for a graphic designer/marketer - let's hope it's heavy on the graphic design, light on the marketing... Might start reading my marketing book from college though for a recap.

I am suddenly all kinds of nervous and excited. The position is a part time job, which would be PERFECT. I could get out of the house, see some people, make some extra (steady) income, and still keep the business going.

So... we'll see. My fingers are crossed.

the overactive imagination and me

2009-02-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

There is a part of me that is terrified of everything. In any given day, I am convinced I will die at least once. Give me any scenario, and I can tell you 5 ways things can go wrong.

I don't think this is pessimism - I believe this is all due to the graphic images my mind can produce at a moment's notice. I can psych myself out better than anyone I know.

The earliest I remember doing this was as a kid when I would stay home alone. I would shut off the TV, and be immediately scared. To get to my bedroom from downstairs, I had to walk right past the front door, and I made myself believe every time that someone was watching me. Terror would grip me as I raced up the stairs, breathing shallow and fast with my heart pounding by the time I reached the top.

But now this panic extends to everything. Put me on an airplane with the tiniest bit of turbulence, and I'll picture us falling out the sky. Put me in a car on a windy dirt road with a steep drop off, and I can almost FEEL the car sliding toward the edge ready to fall off. Can't get a hold of Aaron after work? Must have been in a car accident on the way home. And all this brings us to last night.

I woke up around 6 and heard 5 consecutive short popping noises. These seriously sounded like gunshots. I made Aaron get up and go make sure the doors were locked, but I wouldn't let him turn on lights because I had already visualized in my mind what would happen. The "shooter" would see us turn on a light, figure out we had heard, find a way in the house, and shoot us too. I laid awake for almost an hour after this just imagining what had happened. (I really don't know what the sound was, because every one of the neighbors seems to be alive and well).

I mean WHO THINK OF THIS STUFF?! I don't just imagine something happening, I play them out as almost movies in my mind - the aftermath included. I have conversations in my head with family or police officers, I mean, it's ridiculous.

If only I could channel these visuals into writing, I could write some awesome movies. Or maybe a book series 'how i almost died today'. Good plan.

So there you are. Is my blog still boring, Matt & Lindsey? I figured as much.

ok fine.

2009-02-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

There are 2 main reasons I don't post here regularly (or, really, at all).

1. I set it up under my old gmail address, and I can't figure out how to change that. So when I sign in to blogger, it logs me out of gmail, and that just seems inconvenient. If you know how to fix that, tell me!

2. I usually find what I've written terribly boring, obnoxious, or depressing, and wish to delete it immediately.

so... we'll see how long this lasts before I up and delete the whole thing again.

a need for new

2008-09-23T12:25:00.000-06:00

it is once again fall - my favorite FAVORITE season of all. And fall, for me, is a time to start fresh.

the last couple of months have been a reminder that things DO get good in life. so for now, i'm going to be happy with things i do have, and look forward to things that are yet to come.

the end.