Grief. Sneaks up on me at the weirdest times, in the middle of an ordinary, decent day.
I don't know how to explain this particular brand of grief, because I don't really know anyone else who has experienced it in the same way. I almost feel ridiculous, especially in the wake of one of my best friends losing their child - a grief so huge and a loss I cannot possibly comprehend, that it makes me just want to hit myself in the face and say "get over it". Which is what other people have told me to do, actually.
The grief I'm talking about concerns my dad. My dad who died when I was one year old. My dad who I can't remember. My dad who I know only through stories and photos and a rare video clip here and there. How can you miss someone you never knew? How can you, some 28 years later, still grieve a loss I don't remember experiencing?
It's in the small things. The small things like that this year his birthday would be 11.11.11 - and all I can think about is wishing I could go take him 11 gifts at 11:11, and maybe send 11 birthday cards... And I'm doing okay. Until my mom sends me this email - this email about what a crap week it has been, and her good friend's brain tumor is back and this friend has only a few months to live, and just how unfair life is sometimes. And then BAM at the end of this email - she too has been thinking about this date coming up, and how my dad used to talk about it, and was looking forward to it. And there it is. I just break down. Start crying my eyes out, and the pets are looking at me like I'm crazy.
It's just - I've been thinking about this for a while, how exciting this day would be. And knowing that somewhere out there, sometime before I even existed maybe, that he, too, was excited about this? It just kills me. It kills me that he was so young when he died. It kills me that I don't know him. It kills me that we never got to have a conversation, that we never got to discover things we had in common. I just, I miss him, and I don't know how to explain that. I miss a life I never had.
Happy almost birthday, dad.
2 comments:
Wow, Jen. This made me cry, too. I hurt for you, and I don't blame you one bit or think it's strange that you miss something you never had. I'll think of you on 11-11-11...you and your dad.
And your mom's right. It's not fair.
I'm not sure it's something you need to "get over," really. Unless and until it starts to affect your relationships with other people (which I've never seen with you), I don't think there's anything wrong with being sad that you didn't get to know your dad.
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